Erin is at the PERFECT age for Christmas.  She couldn’t be more excited for Santa to come and she’s full embraced the entire spirit of the season.  Her date night with me fell on Thanksgiving, so we had to improvise and go for a Friday after work date.
    We didn’t tell the family, but our plan was to go get the family Christmas tree.  We usually support out local Boy Scouts or the small farm down the road, but this year I wanted to give her a different experience.  I read up on a lot that was about 20 minutes away and had hot chocolate and cookies and 17 acres of trees to choose from.  Off we went, sly smiles on our faces hiding our little secret.  We played the Christmas station on the radio and sang along, counting the number of cars with trees on them as we got to Henry’s Tree Lot.
   Best laid plans…what a bust!  The lot was beautiful, we walked for about half an hour and didn’t find any that fit our needs.  Seemed they were all way too big or really small.  We stopped to asked a farm worker where we might find just the right kind and she pointed us to “the man who knows every
 tree on the lot”  I told him we were having a tough time and he asked what we were looking for.  Erin said “About 7 feet tall, bushy and green and it has to smell good”  We both waited eagerly for directions to our tree and he snickered a bit and replied “well, look around, they are everywhere”  Big sigh.  Not the answer we were needing after walking for half hour with no luck.  We found one (picture one) that was close, but just not tall enough and I really didn’t want to give a dime to this farm after being treated that way.  Back in the car we went.
     I knew there was a tree stand in Poulsbo, so we were going to head there when we saw a U-Cut sign.  Why not give it a try?  We pulled into Sawdust Hill Christmas Trees.  Looked super promising, again trees everywhere!  We were greeted with smiles and asked if we wanted hot chocolate (yes please!) and told to come find them if we needed help cutting the tree down or carrying it to the car.  I really wanted to find our tree there.  What an awesome place!  They did have the grandaddy of them all, Erin begged me to get it and it was only $100!  What a steal!  She didn’t care that it would literally take up the entire living room.  we did find one that was the right height, but it wasn’t so bushy. I really wanted to support them, but it just wasn’t the right fit.
     Off we went again, Christmas carols still playing, now two hot chocolates in the tank.  We made a quick stop at Olmstead’s but they weren’t set up fully yet and all the trees looked squished.  I couldn’t come home with a flat tree.  Into the car one last stop at the local tree farm.
   Wouldn’t you know, we pulled into the lot and Erin screamed “that’s the one, right in front of the car!”  I wasn’t sure if she was just tired of our adventure and ready to settle for any tree that wasn’t horrible or if she was truly happy with the one she saw.  I asked her to take a minute and walk around and look, and she did.  She came back 100% knowing that we were destined to have this exact tree.  We went in to pay and she got to pick out an ornament (a beautiful pewter one with hummingbirds) and we tied it up.  Amazing how I so intentionally tried to find something different when the perfect thing was 5 minutes from home.  All in all we had a wonderful afternoon together, one we won’t forget, and a beautiful tree now sitting in our living room waiting to decorated.  I do love this time of year and love that Erin and I share that.

We get asked all the time, “how do you do it?” when people talk with us about foster care.  In all honesty, there are days when I’m truly not sure.
   I question if we are doing the right thing for our own kids, if they will resent that we fostered or if it will make them more compassionate as they become adults.
   There are times I am making dinner, the baby starts to fuss, and I look over to see one of my teens getting up to hold her while they are doing their reading homework.  Those are the times I think it’s good and right and feel so much love for them both.
   There are also times when one of our kids will be in tears because the baby is crying in the car and they ask us why do we have to have this in our lives?  When we are the ones always asking for rides for our kids because pick up is past the baby’s bedtime.  When we can’t both go to a play or a soccer game or a field trip because there are babies to be home with or it’s just too distracting or too hard to pack them up and all go together.  Those are the times I think maybe it’s too much.  Maybe we are missing out on some of the things we shouldn’t be.
   We have fostered 69 kids over the last 16 years.  Some have stayed for a weekend, some up to 3 years.  They are our family while they are here (and still “our” kids even when they leave).  When asked “how can you give them up?”  We have faith that they will be where they are meant to be.  We have had kids we thought were going to stay forever, and didn’t.  We have had kids we were so worried about leaving, but have thrived.  We have stayed in touch (yay for Facebook) with some and have watched them grow.  What a gift.
   My heart is heavy today, because we were called and told that one of our past little guys is now back in foster care.  At first I was angry that we weren’t called immediately (we were his only placement from birth until 2 1/2) but now I’m struggling with what is the right thing to do.  We are not an adoptive placement for him, although we absolutely love him.  Are we the right place for him to come to?  My heart says yes.  My kids say yes (with the deal being made that on Christmas morning we will get up extra early and have a baby free mini celebration just our core family).  That was a big one, my kids all said yes.  Even the one that was crying in the car last week and begging us not to foster anymore.
   So I’ve asked the questions…what’s his plan?  Are they looking for a possible adoptive home?  Just a temporary home?  After these questions are answered I will be able to make a call, maybe a hard one for us as my heart wants to drive there now and scoop him up and bring him home.  I didn’t sleep much last night.  I wondered where he was, was he sleeping, doing ok?  The not knowing made me so restless.
  There’s another factor as well that makes us stop and question taking him back in.   Sadly, it’s lack of childcare.  With both Dee and I working full time, it adds a lot to add another little one to the mix.  I have called every single child care center I can think of and so far there are no options.  It is heartbreaking to me to know how much we love this little one, how we are the family he’s known for most his life and that stupid money (DSHS payments and centers not wanting to take them) is an obstacle for him not getting daycare and being with us.  It’s just not right.
   So my heart is heavy with big decisions weighing on it.  I am proud of my kids for being willing to share us a little more if we say yes.  I wish this adulting stuff was easier.

    I don’t know if you are like me, but I like the IDEA of working out and getting super fit.  Truth is, I kind of hate it.  I don’t love a stroll in nature, or being sweaty at all and really not the two combined.
     When Carlos and I have trained for the 5k races we have done (yes, I have THREE) under my belt! I have felt great about the accomplishment but never have I thought “wow, I wonder how great I would feel if I did a 15k, a marathon or an Iron Man”  Nope, I’m content not finishing last in a 5k.  Full disclosure, I have done the Color Run (just fun!), the Hot Chocolate 5k and the Brunch 5k.  I’m also planning to do the Hot Chocolate 5k again in March.   It’s got great swag!  Working on kind of a theme where you eat at the end, but nevertheless, it’s a 5k.
   I will go through phases of using the treadmill or walks or saying we should go on family walks and never doing it.  I have tried to set it up to reward myself for walking, having to pay $ if I didn’t walk and now Dee and I both wear Fitbits and are “competing” in daily steps.  None of these are enough of a push for me to want to go workout.
     This morning, the babies were upset and I tried singing and reading and making funny faces and my entire bag of tricks was used up so I decided we would bundle up and head outside.  Best decision ever.  Not only did I get some extra steps in, but they were happy the entire walk and the two in the stroller fell asleep just as we got home.  The struggle was w the one on my back, I’m guessing I’ll be sore tomorrow after carrying 20+ points and pushing 40+ pounds along our route.  I’ve decided to make it a part of our every day, rain or shine.  I’m typing it here so maybe that will hold me accountable and I will actually do it.  No promises, but feel free to ask me if I got my walk it…I’d appreciate the extra push.
    So, does anyone just LOVE to workout?  Am I alone in my hatred of it?  I’m not talking about how it makes you feel, I’m talking about when you are in the middle of it.  The sweaty, out of breath ugliness of it.

     So, as a birthday present to Dee, we took money out of the “jug” we’ve been saving for the last 10+  years and sent her to Illinois with her sister to visit her dad.  She and her dad talk all the time, but it’s been 8 years since she’s seen him.  The last trip was an emergency one that was spent visiting in the hospital, so not a relaxed, quality time visit.  With my parents living next door (and us still talking daily!), I truly can’t imagine what it would be like not to see them for so long.  Anyhow, a dear friend made the suggestion that would be a great present for her and that day I put it in motion.  It was exactly what needed to happen and I am beyond grateful for the suggestion and so glad it became a reality.
     Since the moment I dropped Dee off at the ferry, I’ve had an odd, unsettling feeling.  It’s only a few days but now I’m 100% responsible for the well being and daily running of the family…just me.  I can do it, that’s not the issue, it’s more that we are such a team in the household management that we can sense what needs to be done and we rely on each other to step in without a whole lot of discussion about it.  This feels very different.
     There’s more to it than just the family management.  I miss her presence.  I miss having someone to talk to or to just sit quietly next to.  It’s a deep ache.  It’s good, though, it’s good to miss someone.  It’s good to have time apart to know you miss them.  That may sound odd, but I’m glad we have this space.  After being together for 18 years, you tend to just take the relationship for granted.
     I plan to work harder on “us” when she gets home.  Take more time to build us up and spend more time together and have the conversations.  Put aside the busy day to day and focus on what’s important.
 
   

We are in a strange stage in our older boy’s lives right now, my babies are growing up fast.  Seems the last year has been an incredible amount of emotional growth and maturity.  This stage is a delicate balance between hanging onto their childhood and emergence into young adulthood.  I think it’s equally confusing for them as well, they push away to gain more independence, but also still need to curl up in mama’s lap and feel that security.  I’m trying to give them their space and also be there, fully present, when they need me.  I overstep sometimes, not intending to but merely reading more into then situation putting my feelings in when that’s not even on their radar.  The hard part for me is that sometimes they really don’t want mama to be there.  That hurts, even though I know it’s completely normal and doesn’t mean they don’t love me just as much as the day before.
I still have so much to teach them so they can be successful in the big world.  I’m doing some soul searching as I have moments of panic as I realize my daily time with them is coming closer to ending.  I’m not ready.  I truly enjoy every play, soccer game, roller hockey game and living room concert.  I love seeing them have fun and having their hard work pay off.  I do feel blessed that my kids have each found things they have a passion for doing.  As I watch them in their activities, I can’t help but think back to when I was a teen and how it looked/felt for me.
 I’m in awe that Trey can step on stage with full confidence and just glow.  His confidence and the way he carries himself will get him far.  I did a couple of BPA plays as a kid and it was fun but it scared me to death.  I think back to how I loved to sing, was in the children’s choir at church with Jan Droge directing and I even did solos w no problem and truly felt it was something I was good at.  I also remember the day I didn’t make jazz choir and the rest of my church choir soloist friends did.  I was told it was more because the band teacher was also the jazz choir director and she needed my trumpeting skills more than vocal skills, but I’m not convinced.  From that day on, I am even self conscious about singing in front of anyone.  Alone in the car, though, I’m still that middle schooler with a solo and can belt it out with the best of them and find joy.
Carlos is now in his 4th year of select soccer, and he plays soccer like I used to play softball.  It’s serious for him, the fun comes from pushing himself.  He has a ball at his feet all the time at home, like I had a softball in my hand all the time.  He strives to be the best, beats himself up a bit after a tough game and has deep joy when he’s done well.  Of course, winning and team are important but it’s more about personal best.  I can remember that feeling exactly.  It wasn’t about recognition, it was about me.  It was the sounds and the smells and how it felt to be on the field and being truly good at something because I had worked hard to get it.
And here is where my ramblings must end a bit abruptly…Dee is off on a trip to visit her dad and I’m single parenting the crew.  Despite daylight savings time, Baby A is up early and ready to take on the world.  He’s done w his breakfast and it’s time for me to put on my Mom hat.

The struggle is real, people.  I have been diligent in counting calories and clean eating for awhile now and was doing great.  The last 2 weeks I have completely derailed and when I stepped on the scale yesterday, yeah, it wasn’t good.  Up 6 pounds!  How does that happen in just 2 weeks!?
I am someone who can not remember when I wasn’t aware of food and weight, since I was young.  It’s an awful mind game.
If you know me, you know I could mostly care less about what you think of my looks.  At times I have embraced the lesbian “uniform” of cargo shorts and t-shirts, other times I have done the little bit of make-up and effort at my wardrobe. Never have I gone full makeup and fancy clothes, just not my style.  I don’t like the why I feel when I weigh more.  My energy levels go down and the sadness kicks in.  It’s easy to say “just eat right and exercise”, right?  Easier said than done for someone like me who finds comfort and enjoyment in food.  A friend was describing the difference between her husband and her eating and it’s spot on.  He eats to live, and she lives to eat.  Yup.  I get it.
It may be surprising to the skinny folks out there, but there are so many days that I end up behind on my calories – my goal is 1200/day.  Pretty sure the image of a fat person at a dinner table includes gigantic portions and snacks all day long.  I rarely eat breakfast, maybe an egg or a few almonds or avocado toast before I run out the door.  Lunch is something pre-made or leftover (which I HAVE to get done so I have something to grab and go) and dinner is regular.  I try to avoid processed foods and serve/eat foods as homemade as possible.  I have found that sugar is hidden in EVERYTHING.  So, no fat free or low fat or reduced calorie and not much out of boxes.  Pretty sure we don’t need a bunch of chemicals in our bodies and real food just tastes better.  The convenience factor of the processed foods, that’s the lure.
So this morning, I got on the treadmill and made a grocery list for some soups, snacks and salads that I enjoy and can make ahead.  I will cut out the sugar (my weakness), push the water and get back to doing what’s right for my body so I can feel good again!

This picture of Erin is why I voted for Hilary.  Every time we get it the car, she wants to sit by the window and feel the wind and watch the world go by and in that moment every possibility is open to her, she can do ANYTHING.
She doesn’t understand the gravity of today, but I sure feel it.  Today our county will elect a woman president.  It’s a huge deal!  I envision girls all over the nation watching history in the making and mothers and grandmothers beaming with pride.  The feeling is not unlike 8 years ago, when I saw doors open for my sons of color, as they watched Obama sworn into office.
It’s a good day for the United States.  Hilary is strong and competent.  I am proud we have come so far as a country where a woman can hold the highest office.

I am not going to debate and I don’t want to talk politics here, that’s not what this post is about.  Whether you are voting for Clinton or Trump, what I have to say will not change your mind, nor will you change mine. I am hoping at the end of th

So this morning was a bit rough for our family – started out pretty normal but somehow took a turn about mid-point.  There is always some chaos as we attempt to get ourselves plus 6 kids out the door to start their day.  Dee and I get the babies up and ready around 6:45 and she takes them to daycare, then I get the rest of the kids up at 7 so they can get ready by 8:05 when we have to leave.  To give you an idea of what it expected, each child needs to eat breakfast, make their lunch, take a shower and do one family chore.  That could easily be accomplished in about 20 minutes.
We have one who buckles down and gets it all done so he has time to watch a show before school, one who struggles with time management and needs constant reminders to move on from one task so the others can be completed before it’s time to leave, one who spends most of his time trying to derail anyone else’s progress and one who needs more done for them but basically gets things done by the time we have to leave.
This morning, we got the babies out the door and I got the rest of the kids up and went upstairs to get dressed.  I heard chaos erupting so I skipped the shower (eeew, I know) and went down because it was clear that this morning they couldn’t handle getting ready on their own.  I asked one “did you eat breakfast?” and his reply was “yes, I had a banana and 2 Eggos”   I felt the toaster, cold.  There was only one dirty plate (that of the one who was already done with everything and snuggled on the couch watching his show) and I knew I had been lied to.  I asked again, because our rule is that if you tell the truth there is no consequence, but still got “yes, I ate”   Now the frustration set in for me…why on Earth lie about something so trivial!?  I told him I knew he was lying, to bring me his iPod and that he had lost electronics for the day.  He did and got on with his stuff, grumbling a bit.
When I saw his iPod, I also realized that another’s Kindle wasn’t where it is supposed to be at night.  I asked him where it was and he very unconvincingly looked around for it claiming that someone must have moved it.  I went directly up into his room and found it plugged in next to his bed, lifted his pillow (because his iPod has been “missing” for a few days and found that he had taken his brother’s pack of gum and chewed the majority of it and left the wrappers under his pillow.  Seriously!?
Anyhow, I confronted him with my find of the Kindle and that since he had broken family rules and lied about it, he lost the privilege of having a playdate on Wednesday.  He immediately went off on me about how mean I am, yadda yadda yadda…then went on to say “Hey Erin, want to know something about Santa?”  This completely crossed the line for me.  He can be nasty and call me names and vent his anger but I draw the line at him ruining the magic of Christmas for his sister.  Super lame.  He was sent up to clean up his room and think about how it could have all gone differently.
So here I sit, knowing it was a bad parenting morning and wondering how it could have gone differently.  I try to be fair, always honest with my kids and expect the same in return.  It is clearly too much to ask of them.  I am happy to do what I do for my kids and I’m sure I baby them too much and do too much for them, but I enjoy it.  I don’t ask for thanks or praise for it, I truly am happy to do it, but find the hostility and ungratefulness a hard pill to swallow.
Anyone else in the same boat?

As foster parents, there are not too many stories like this one.  We were honored to be a part of it.
I got Lilly’s mom’s permission to tell this story.

When we were called to pick up Lilly from the PICC center, we weren’t quite sure what to expect.  We’d had drug affected babies before, but never one who had had to be in PICC (Pediatric Interim Care Center) and detoxed for 6 weeks using morphine.  It was a bit scary.  We got her the day before Memorial Day weekend, where we head to Port Townsend for a big soccer weekend with friends.  Since there are 5 families to a house there, we weren’t sure whether someone would have to sleep in the car or get another hotel room – drug babies sometimes have a really high pitched scream and are super sensitive.  Lilly was none of those things, she was the sweetest little girl from day one.
She was spoiled all weekend and loved by all.  That didn’t change when we got home, she was a perfect baby and we all fell in love with her.  We knew she had overcome great odds and was something special.
Her case was a hard one to watch unfold – seemed

like her mom would be doing well, then fall off the wagon and Lilly would be once again in limbo.  It was pretty typical foster care case; in and out of court, visits missed, visits shortened, visits lengthened.  I remember one meeting where her mom was basically told that there wouldn’t be any more chances.  It was an awful meeting to be at.
We knew we weren’t a permanent placement for Lilly, but we had talked with a couple of friends who were smitten with her.  They did play dates and dinners and really thought Lilly would be a perfect addition to their family.  At that point, Lilly’s mom made a change and the parental rights termination trial was extended once again.  It was too hard for this couple to be in limbo with Lilly and they decided that it just wasn’t meant to be.  We knew they were heartbroken, but also completely understood that her case could continue for a long time and she may not ever be up for adoption.  Another family we knew had done respite for us, and they also were smitten with Lilly.  They let us know to keep them in mind if things looked like they were headed toward adoption, but they didn’t want to get their hopes up and get super attached if

they didn’t.
Awhile went by, many more meetings and court dates and mom was doing well.  The more time elapsed, the more it became clear that Lilly was on a path to return home.  You would think that we would be excited about that, as foster parents we are supposed to do all we can to support parents and kids being reunited but we weren’t.  We were scared for Lilly.  She had been with us over 2 years and was part of our family.  The idea of sending her back to mom was really difficult and we thought the state was making a huge mistake and putting this little girl’s safety in jeopardy.
We also knew that most of the time, when kids leave our care, we don’t see them again.  It’s the hardest part of what we do.   Loving  a child as our own then saying goodbye.
The date was set for her return to mom.  We talked with our kids to prepare them, we talked with the workers to ask “are you sure?” and after the court decision we had a date for her to return home.
It was just after new year’s, all our kids but Levi were on their last day of Winter Break and Levi had

woken up with an upset stomach and didn’t want to go to school.  We sent him anyway (no fever, no vomiting = school) and when he got home he was still not up to par.  Lilly was leaving at 7pm, so our whole family spent time in the living room playing games and just hanging out to get our last time in with Lilly.  Her mom came and we got her stuff loaded up, there were many tears and hugs by all, Dee and Trey were most emotional as they were really tight with Lilly.  Goodbyes are just really hard.  I had to leave to take Levi to the dr (turns out he had appendicitis and we were gone for the next 3 days) and Dee held down the fort, minus sweet Lilly.
Now Lilly has been home for 10 months and I am happy to report that she’s doing amazing!  Her mom is working and clean and doing a great job raising Lilly.  We get to see her and Erin still calls her her “sister”   We couldn’t have asked for a better outcome for this sweet girl.
Lilly and her mom came over yesterday to hang out and we got to give her all of Lilly’s baby things from the hospital (going home outfit, bracelet, etc) and some art from her time here.  We saved it because we wanted to be sure it went to Lilly, whether it be with mom or an adoptive home.
I can’t tell you what an amazing feeling it was to be able to see how Nicole has turned her life around and made this life for her and Lilly.  I was honored to give these keepsakes to her and it was a very special moment.  We don’t get many success stories like this, so this one I had to share.