I titled this post Big Families but I’m not 100% sure if this is accurate for all big families or more specifically big foster families. I know our kids come from trauma/abuse/drug affects and that has significant impact on behaviors, so maybe it’s not the same. Our maybe it is. Maybe it’s about the number of people, all with their individual needs and some feeling as if they aren’t getting what they need. Is it the same if everyone is permanent? Is it different that fostering seems like a “choice” we as parents as making? Are we doing the right thing by our older kids here or will there be so much resentment that that’s what they will carry and remember from their childhood?
I’m struggling here. Trying to find the balance of giving our core family what they need and also meeting the needs of the foster kids in the family. It has been brewing for awhile now, but in adding foster #3 back into our home, it has become much more apparent. My kids are giving up a lot for us to be foster parents. The littles have a lot of physical needs just because they are little, plus one has special needs and spends a lot of time screeching (sounds like a smoke detector going off), which triggers everyone in the house. He’s going through a really tough phase and that impacts us all.
Christmas Eve was the tipping point for me. We were down at my parents house having dinner, the 3 yo was refusing to eat and complaining, the 1 1/2 yo was throwing his food and screeching. Our boys just wanted to leave and go back to our house because it’s just not a fun time with the chaos of the littles, even when they are at their favorite place (Nana and Papa’s!). It was just hard and not what my vision of Christmas Eve looked like. It was a shit show. I felt badly for my kids. I know this isn’t what their ideal celebration looked like either.
One a positive note, we had promised the big kids that we would do their presents before the little woke up and that was amazing. We moved all of their presents into the bonus room the night before and in the morning we quietly had our celebration. It was perfect. Levi got a record player and the tunes were quietly playing while we opened up gifts and laughed and enjoyed the morning and each other. The big kids went to play with their new things and we got the little ones up and had their celebration. Seemed crazy to split it into two celebrations, but it worked for us and all were happy.
Then we went down to my parents to open presents there, and chaos erupted again. One of our kids was almost in tears and asked if we could just not foster anymore or at least take a break. I absolutely feel his pain, I agree that 7 kids is a lot and we are exhausted. Yes, a break is going to happen but it’s not looking like anyone is moving anytime soon and we aren’t going to have anyone moved or shut down our license. So what do we do? How do we recharge? Make it work for all?
This week will be nice and a bit of a break. My brother is coming into town and we have childcare in the evenings that he’s here. Then we have a two night getaway to the house we love in Sequim with Mary and Alice. Super mellow, eating, playing games, watching movies, strolling around town. I know that will help, at least short term, but in doing that it also gives a glimpse into what it would look like to just be the 6 of us. It feels easy when it’s core family.
“God only gives us what we can handle – apparently God thinks I’m a bad ass” Feels a bit like that some days.
Three Scurvy Dogs a Wee Lass (and their Mamas) 