We get asked all the time, “how do you do it?” when people talk with us about foster care.  In all honesty, there are days when I’m truly not sure.
   I question if we are doing the right thing for our own kids, if they will resent that we fostered or if it will make them more compassionate as they become adults.
   There are times I am making dinner, the baby starts to fuss, and I look over to see one of my teens getting up to hold her while they are doing their reading homework.  Those are the times I think it’s good and right and feel so much love for them both.
   There are also times when one of our kids will be in tears because the baby is crying in the car and they ask us why do we have to have this in our lives?  When we are the ones always asking for rides for our kids because pick up is past the baby’s bedtime.  When we can’t both go to a play or a soccer game or a field trip because there are babies to be home with or it’s just too distracting or too hard to pack them up and all go together.  Those are the times I think maybe it’s too much.  Maybe we are missing out on some of the things we shouldn’t be.
   We have fostered 69 kids over the last 16 years.  Some have stayed for a weekend, some up to 3 years.  They are our family while they are here (and still “our” kids even when they leave).  When asked “how can you give them up?”  We have faith that they will be where they are meant to be.  We have had kids we thought were going to stay forever, and didn’t.  We have had kids we were so worried about leaving, but have thrived.  We have stayed in touch (yay for Facebook) with some and have watched them grow.  What a gift.
   My heart is heavy today, because we were called and told that one of our past little guys is now back in foster care.  At first I was angry that we weren’t called immediately (we were his only placement from birth until 2 1/2) but now I’m struggling with what is the right thing to do.  We are not an adoptive placement for him, although we absolutely love him.  Are we the right place for him to come to?  My heart says yes.  My kids say yes (with the deal being made that on Christmas morning we will get up extra early and have a baby free mini celebration just our core family).  That was a big one, my kids all said yes.  Even the one that was crying in the car last week and begging us not to foster anymore.
   So I’ve asked the questions…what’s his plan?  Are they looking for a possible adoptive home?  Just a temporary home?  After these questions are answered I will be able to make a call, maybe a hard one for us as my heart wants to drive there now and scoop him up and bring him home.  I didn’t sleep much last night.  I wondered where he was, was he sleeping, doing ok?  The not knowing made me so restless.
  There’s another factor as well that makes us stop and question taking him back in.   Sadly, it’s lack of childcare.  With both Dee and I working full time, it adds a lot to add another little one to the mix.  I have called every single child care center I can think of and so far there are no options.  It is heartbreaking to me to know how much we love this little one, how we are the family he’s known for most his life and that stupid money (DSHS payments and centers not wanting to take them) is an obstacle for him not getting daycare and being with us.  It’s just not right.
   So my heart is heavy with big decisions weighing on it.  I am proud of my kids for being willing to share us a little more if we say yes.  I wish this adulting stuff was easier.