We are in a strange stage in our older boy’s lives right now, my babies are growing up fast.  Seems the last year has been an incredible amount of emotional growth and maturity.  This stage is a delicate balance between hanging onto their childhood and emergence into young adulthood.  I think it’s equally confusing for them as well, they push away to gain more independence, but also still need to curl up in mama’s lap and feel that security.  I’m trying to give them their space and also be there, fully present, when they need me.  I overstep sometimes, not intending to but merely reading more into then situation putting my feelings in when that’s not even on their radar.  The hard part for me is that sometimes they really don’t want mama to be there.  That hurts, even though I know it’s completely normal and doesn’t mean they don’t love me just as much as the day before.
I still have so much to teach them so they can be successful in the big world.  I’m doing some soul searching as I have moments of panic as I realize my daily time with them is coming closer to ending.  I’m not ready.  I truly enjoy every play, soccer game, roller hockey game and living room concert.  I love seeing them have fun and having their hard work pay off.  I do feel blessed that my kids have each found things they have a passion for doing.  As I watch them in their activities, I can’t help but think back to when I was a teen and how it looked/felt for me.
 I’m in awe that Trey can step on stage with full confidence and just glow.  His confidence and the way he carries himself will get him far.  I did a couple of BPA plays as a kid and it was fun but it scared me to death.  I think back to how I loved to sing, was in the children’s choir at church with Jan Droge directing and I even did solos w no problem and truly felt it was something I was good at.  I also remember the day I didn’t make jazz choir and the rest of my church choir soloist friends did.  I was told it was more because the band teacher was also the jazz choir director and she needed my trumpeting skills more than vocal skills, but I’m not convinced.  From that day on, I am even self conscious about singing in front of anyone.  Alone in the car, though, I’m still that middle schooler with a solo and can belt it out with the best of them and find joy.
Carlos is now in his 4th year of select soccer, and he plays soccer like I used to play softball.  It’s serious for him, the fun comes from pushing himself.  He has a ball at his feet all the time at home, like I had a softball in my hand all the time.  He strives to be the best, beats himself up a bit after a tough game and has deep joy when he’s done well.  Of course, winning and team are important but it’s more about personal best.  I can remember that feeling exactly.  It wasn’t about recognition, it was about me.  It was the sounds and the smells and how it felt to be on the field and being truly good at something because I had worked hard to get it.
And here is where my ramblings must end a bit abruptly…Dee is off on a trip to visit her dad and I’m single parenting the crew.  Despite daylight savings time, Baby A is up early and ready to take on the world.  He’s done w his breakfast and it’s time for me to put on my Mom hat.