Erin is at the PERFECT age for Christmas.  She couldn’t be more excited for Santa to come and she’s full embraced the entire spirit of the season.  Her date night with me fell on Thanksgiving, so we had to improvise and go for a Friday after work date.
    We didn’t tell the family, but our plan was to go get the family Christmas tree.  We usually support out local Boy Scouts or the small farm down the road, but this year I wanted to give her a different experience.  I read up on a lot that was about 20 minutes away and had hot chocolate and cookies and 17 acres of trees to choose from.  Off we went, sly smiles on our faces hiding our little secret.  We played the Christmas station on the radio and sang along, counting the number of cars with trees on them as we got to Henry’s Tree Lot.
   Best laid plans…what a bust!  The lot was beautiful, we walked for about half an hour and didn’t find any that fit our needs.  Seemed they were all way too big or really small.  We stopped to asked a farm worker where we might find just the right kind and she pointed us to “the man who knows every
 tree on the lot”  I told him we were having a tough time and he asked what we were looking for.  Erin said “About 7 feet tall, bushy and green and it has to smell good”  We both waited eagerly for directions to our tree and he snickered a bit and replied “well, look around, they are everywhere”  Big sigh.  Not the answer we were needing after walking for half hour with no luck.  We found one (picture one) that was close, but just not tall enough and I really didn’t want to give a dime to this farm after being treated that way.  Back in the car we went.
     I knew there was a tree stand in Poulsbo, so we were going to head there when we saw a U-Cut sign.  Why not give it a try?  We pulled into Sawdust Hill Christmas Trees.  Looked super promising, again trees everywhere!  We were greeted with smiles and asked if we wanted hot chocolate (yes please!) and told to come find them if we needed help cutting the tree down or carrying it to the car.  I really wanted to find our tree there.  What an awesome place!  They did have the grandaddy of them all, Erin begged me to get it and it was only $100!  What a steal!  She didn’t care that it would literally take up the entire living room.  we did find one that was the right height, but it wasn’t so bushy. I really wanted to support them, but it just wasn’t the right fit.
     Off we went again, Christmas carols still playing, now two hot chocolates in the tank.  We made a quick stop at Olmstead’s but they weren’t set up fully yet and all the trees looked squished.  I couldn’t come home with a flat tree.  Into the car one last stop at the local tree farm.
   Wouldn’t you know, we pulled into the lot and Erin screamed “that’s the one, right in front of the car!”  I wasn’t sure if she was just tired of our adventure and ready to settle for any tree that wasn’t horrible or if she was truly happy with the one she saw.  I asked her to take a minute and walk around and look, and she did.  She came back 100% knowing that we were destined to have this exact tree.  We went in to pay and she got to pick out an ornament (a beautiful pewter one with hummingbirds) and we tied it up.  Amazing how I so intentionally tried to find something different when the perfect thing was 5 minutes from home.  All in all we had a wonderful afternoon together, one we won’t forget, and a beautiful tree now sitting in our living room waiting to decorated.  I do love this time of year and love that Erin and I share that.

We get asked all the time, “how do you do it?” when people talk with us about foster care.  In all honesty, there are days when I’m truly not sure.
   I question if we are doing the right thing for our own kids, if they will resent that we fostered or if it will make them more compassionate as they become adults.
   There are times I am making dinner, the baby starts to fuss, and I look over to see one of my teens getting up to hold her while they are doing their reading homework.  Those are the times I think it’s good and right and feel so much love for them both.
   There are also times when one of our kids will be in tears because the baby is crying in the car and they ask us why do we have to have this in our lives?  When we are the ones always asking for rides for our kids because pick up is past the baby’s bedtime.  When we can’t both go to a play or a soccer game or a field trip because there are babies to be home with or it’s just too distracting or too hard to pack them up and all go together.  Those are the times I think maybe it’s too much.  Maybe we are missing out on some of the things we shouldn’t be.
   We have fostered 69 kids over the last 16 years.  Some have stayed for a weekend, some up to 3 years.  They are our family while they are here (and still “our” kids even when they leave).  When asked “how can you give them up?”  We have faith that they will be where they are meant to be.  We have had kids we thought were going to stay forever, and didn’t.  We have had kids we were so worried about leaving, but have thrived.  We have stayed in touch (yay for Facebook) with some and have watched them grow.  What a gift.
   My heart is heavy today, because we were called and told that one of our past little guys is now back in foster care.  At first I was angry that we weren’t called immediately (we were his only placement from birth until 2 1/2) but now I’m struggling with what is the right thing to do.  We are not an adoptive placement for him, although we absolutely love him.  Are we the right place for him to come to?  My heart says yes.  My kids say yes (with the deal being made that on Christmas morning we will get up extra early and have a baby free mini celebration just our core family).  That was a big one, my kids all said yes.  Even the one that was crying in the car last week and begging us not to foster anymore.
   So I’ve asked the questions…what’s his plan?  Are they looking for a possible adoptive home?  Just a temporary home?  After these questions are answered I will be able to make a call, maybe a hard one for us as my heart wants to drive there now and scoop him up and bring him home.  I didn’t sleep much last night.  I wondered where he was, was he sleeping, doing ok?  The not knowing made me so restless.
  There’s another factor as well that makes us stop and question taking him back in.   Sadly, it’s lack of childcare.  With both Dee and I working full time, it adds a lot to add another little one to the mix.  I have called every single child care center I can think of and so far there are no options.  It is heartbreaking to me to know how much we love this little one, how we are the family he’s known for most his life and that stupid money (DSHS payments and centers not wanting to take them) is an obstacle for him not getting daycare and being with us.  It’s just not right.
   So my heart is heavy with big decisions weighing on it.  I am proud of my kids for being willing to share us a little more if we say yes.  I wish this adulting stuff was easier.

    I don’t know if you are like me, but I like the IDEA of working out and getting super fit.  Truth is, I kind of hate it.  I don’t love a stroll in nature, or being sweaty at all and really not the two combined.
     When Carlos and I have trained for the 5k races we have done (yes, I have THREE) under my belt! I have felt great about the accomplishment but never have I thought “wow, I wonder how great I would feel if I did a 15k, a marathon or an Iron Man”  Nope, I’m content not finishing last in a 5k.  Full disclosure, I have done the Color Run (just fun!), the Hot Chocolate 5k and the Brunch 5k.  I’m also planning to do the Hot Chocolate 5k again in March.   It’s got great swag!  Working on kind of a theme where you eat at the end, but nevertheless, it’s a 5k.
   I will go through phases of using the treadmill or walks or saying we should go on family walks and never doing it.  I have tried to set it up to reward myself for walking, having to pay $ if I didn’t walk and now Dee and I both wear Fitbits and are “competing” in daily steps.  None of these are enough of a push for me to want to go workout.
     This morning, the babies were upset and I tried singing and reading and making funny faces and my entire bag of tricks was used up so I decided we would bundle up and head outside.  Best decision ever.  Not only did I get some extra steps in, but they were happy the entire walk and the two in the stroller fell asleep just as we got home.  The struggle was w the one on my back, I’m guessing I’ll be sore tomorrow after carrying 20+ points and pushing 40+ pounds along our route.  I’ve decided to make it a part of our every day, rain or shine.  I’m typing it here so maybe that will hold me accountable and I will actually do it.  No promises, but feel free to ask me if I got my walk it…I’d appreciate the extra push.
    So, does anyone just LOVE to workout?  Am I alone in my hatred of it?  I’m not talking about how it makes you feel, I’m talking about when you are in the middle of it.  The sweaty, out of breath ugliness of it.

     So, as a birthday present to Dee, we took money out of the “jug” we’ve been saving for the last 10+  years and sent her to Illinois with her sister to visit her dad.  She and her dad talk all the time, but it’s been 8 years since she’s seen him.  The last trip was an emergency one that was spent visiting in the hospital, so not a relaxed, quality time visit.  With my parents living next door (and us still talking daily!), I truly can’t imagine what it would be like not to see them for so long.  Anyhow, a dear friend made the suggestion that would be a great present for her and that day I put it in motion.  It was exactly what needed to happen and I am beyond grateful for the suggestion and so glad it became a reality.
     Since the moment I dropped Dee off at the ferry, I’ve had an odd, unsettling feeling.  It’s only a few days but now I’m 100% responsible for the well being and daily running of the family…just me.  I can do it, that’s not the issue, it’s more that we are such a team in the household management that we can sense what needs to be done and we rely on each other to step in without a whole lot of discussion about it.  This feels very different.
     There’s more to it than just the family management.  I miss her presence.  I miss having someone to talk to or to just sit quietly next to.  It’s a deep ache.  It’s good, though, it’s good to miss someone.  It’s good to have time apart to know you miss them.  That may sound odd, but I’m glad we have this space.  After being together for 18 years, you tend to just take the relationship for granted.
     I plan to work harder on “us” when she gets home.  Take more time to build us up and spend more time together and have the conversations.  Put aside the busy day to day and focus on what’s important.
 
   

We are in a strange stage in our older boy’s lives right now, my babies are growing up fast.  Seems the last year has been an incredible amount of emotional growth and maturity.  This stage is a delicate balance between hanging onto their childhood and emergence into young adulthood.  I think it’s equally confusing for them as well, they push away to gain more independence, but also still need to curl up in mama’s lap and feel that security.  I’m trying to give them their space and also be there, fully present, when they need me.  I overstep sometimes, not intending to but merely reading more into then situation putting my feelings in when that’s not even on their radar.  The hard part for me is that sometimes they really don’t want mama to be there.  That hurts, even though I know it’s completely normal and doesn’t mean they don’t love me just as much as the day before.
I still have so much to teach them so they can be successful in the big world.  I’m doing some soul searching as I have moments of panic as I realize my daily time with them is coming closer to ending.  I’m not ready.  I truly enjoy every play, soccer game, roller hockey game and living room concert.  I love seeing them have fun and having their hard work pay off.  I do feel blessed that my kids have each found things they have a passion for doing.  As I watch them in their activities, I can’t help but think back to when I was a teen and how it looked/felt for me.
 I’m in awe that Trey can step on stage with full confidence and just glow.  His confidence and the way he carries himself will get him far.  I did a couple of BPA plays as a kid and it was fun but it scared me to death.  I think back to how I loved to sing, was in the children’s choir at church with Jan Droge directing and I even did solos w no problem and truly felt it was something I was good at.  I also remember the day I didn’t make jazz choir and the rest of my church choir soloist friends did.  I was told it was more because the band teacher was also the jazz choir director and she needed my trumpeting skills more than vocal skills, but I’m not convinced.  From that day on, I am even self conscious about singing in front of anyone.  Alone in the car, though, I’m still that middle schooler with a solo and can belt it out with the best of them and find joy.
Carlos is now in his 4th year of select soccer, and he plays soccer like I used to play softball.  It’s serious for him, the fun comes from pushing himself.  He has a ball at his feet all the time at home, like I had a softball in my hand all the time.  He strives to be the best, beats himself up a bit after a tough game and has deep joy when he’s done well.  Of course, winning and team are important but it’s more about personal best.  I can remember that feeling exactly.  It wasn’t about recognition, it was about me.  It was the sounds and the smells and how it felt to be on the field and being truly good at something because I had worked hard to get it.
And here is where my ramblings must end a bit abruptly…Dee is off on a trip to visit her dad and I’m single parenting the crew.  Despite daylight savings time, Baby A is up early and ready to take on the world.  He’s done w his breakfast and it’s time for me to put on my Mom hat.